I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
