if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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