Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
