I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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