we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
