see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
