my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
