Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
