i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
