Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
