Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
