Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
