cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
