just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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