It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
