There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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