I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
