Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize