The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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