There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
