i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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