Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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