I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
