why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
