I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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