New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
