I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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