so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
