I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize