My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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