Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
