...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
