She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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