I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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