i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
