I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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