I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
