I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
