he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
