having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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