Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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