i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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