Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
