i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
