I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is Oprah even human
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