Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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