Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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