Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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