I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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