i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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