I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
