The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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