I'm going to jail i love you
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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