What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
