He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
