dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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