Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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