I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
