allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
