I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
