Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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