I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
