Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
