If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
