he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
