lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
sex in a hospital.. check
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
