everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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