omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
