She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Randomize
