I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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