You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
