Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
