These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
