It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize